Punishment

I came across a very interesting blog entry about a subject that I must admit that I have given very little thought. The blog is a private blog - open only to invited members. The writer, Lady Margaret, gave me permission to republish her blog entry as long as I didn't provide a link to her blog. She has had problems in the past with a public blog and decided to go private and write for a devoted following of about 260 people. She has been in a Female Led Relationship for twelve years.

I asked her permission to republish the blog because it has changed my thinking about punishment in an FLR and thought it might change others as well. It is certainly not right for everybody but, after reading this article, I have come to the conclusion that it is not a fringe activity either. It can have a place in Female Led Relationships that are not extreme or even into BDSM. Would it be useful in my relationship? Perhaps. In any case, I would be willing to give it a try. The problem is it is very unlikely that my wife would do it. Even light bondage is currently outside of her boundaries (but I'm working on that). But, punishment is something I had not considered before and it was this article that got me thinking about it.

I have added photos to the article - her original had none, because I think photos add a little pizzazz and help illustrate the information in a fun, entertaining way. Punishment In an earlier blog entry on ruining orgasms, I mentioned that I would do a blog entry on punishment. Well this is it. First, what is the purpose of punishment? What is it supposed to accomplish? And second, what is its place in a Female Led Relationship? Why is it so important to do it; and why is it so important to do it right?

Classically, the purpose of punishment is to deter certain behavior. If the recipient believes that punishment will be swift, certain and sufficiently disagreeable, he will avoid the behavior that triggers it. But, there are other purposes to punishment that are a little more subtle. Voluntarily submitting to punishment is one way for the offender to make amends - rebalance the scales of justice. Psychologically, it is a way for the offender to rid himself of the guilt he feels for doing wrong. For the one delivering the punishment, it is a way of balancing out her scales of justice as well. Although punishment should never be delivered in anger, there is no doubt that meting out punishment helps to drain the negative feelings that developed when the offender committed the wrongful act. Finally, punishment provides closure to the incident. There is no need to carry guilt or grudges. The punishment discharges both parties immediately and both offender and offended can move forward from that point with a clean slate.

What is its place in a Female Led Relationship? Its place is to reaffirm the authority of the female that was voluntarily given to her by the male. It is one thing to talk about a shift in authority or write about it in an FLR Agreement. It is quite another to affirm that shift in authority with action - by the male voluntarily submitting to punishment by the female. It is made real and tangible in a way that no theoretical statement can accomplish. It is living the Female Led Relationship.

Why is it so important to do the punishment right? Because doing it wrong offends the sense of justice that both members of the relationship carry in their minds at all times. The punishment must be proportional to the offense, immediate so it is psychologically connected to the offending behavior and, if possible, of a type that ties it to the offending behavior in such a way that it will be remembered as a separate and distinct response to that behavior.

Okay, so far I've written only generalities about punishment. Let's get into the specifics - how I handle punishment in our relationship. There are three types of punishments that I impose and I can and do impose one, two or all three on occasion. The three types are: 1. Loss of an orgasm opportunity 2. Corporal Punishment 3. Punishment Specific to the Offense I will discuss each of these in turn and then summarize how they all work together to strengthen the bonds of our relationship and reaffirm my authority. Loss of Orgasm Opportunity This punishment is applied for one offense and one offense only: having a complete orgasm without my permission. As my hubby gets only four complete orgasms per year it is a serious punishment to lose one of them. First, how it works - if my hubby has a full orgasm without my permission, either with me present (getting tipped over into orgasm from a tease without warning me in time so I can ruin it), or by masturbating during one of the rare times he is out of his device, he loses the next two of the four times he is allowed each year to have a complete, pleasurable orgasm.

The last time this happened was a couple of years ago when he failed to warn me of an impending orgasm while I was teasing him (actually, I was on top with his cock deeply embedded in my pussy and I was grinding away). This happened in February, about five weeks after his last authorized orgasm. So, as punishment, I canceled his April and July orgasms; the next one he got was in early October, seven and a half months later. Although this punishment appears serious, in my view it wasn't enough to punish the offense - that is, to deter him from doing it again in the future. After all, orgasm denial was something he was used to and he would continue to enjoy daily teases and frequent ruined orgasms. So, to remove all temptation for him to cum without permission, I combined this punishment with the two other types of punishments I use: Corporal Punishment and Punishment Specific to the Offense.

Corporal Punishment What is corporal punishment? It is physical punishment delivered to an offender for committing a wrongful act. It is certainly controversial to incorporate corporal punishment in a modern marriage. At first impression, it seems barbaric and harkens back to an age when husbands beat their wives with impunity. It also calls to mind the image of a leather clad, whip wielding dominatrix flaying the skin off her chained husband in the bowels of some dark dungeon. Of course, neither of those things has anything to do with the type of corporal punishment I am talking about. Although generally, the majority of wives in female led marriages do not use corporal punishment on their husbands, it is a common feature in some. It appears to be used by many, if not most, of wives in what I would call "serious" 24/7, female led relationships. What do I mean by "serious" 24/7, female led relationships?" I mean those relationships in which the wife has the authority to make all decisions in the marriage; sets the agenda for what her husband does - including domestic chores and personal services; decides where they go and who they associate with as a couple; and where the wife controls her husband's orgasms - that is, he wears a chastity device and may not orgasm without her permission.

So, how do we get over the idea that corporal punishment is antiquated and barbaric? Head on - by showing that when it is done in a Female Led Relationship, it is very different from the old "husband beats wife variety." First, in an FLR, the corporal punishment is consensual. The husband agrees ahead of time to submit himself to corporal punishment of a particular type and severity. He can stop it at any time just by saying so. This is completely different from the old "husband beats wife" abuse in which she neither consents to the punishment or to its type and severity; and she has no power to stop it. In wife beating, the husband will deliver the blows in anger, often in a rage, and will strike any part of her body with any type of object and usually with great force, causing actual bodily damage. In contrast, corporal punishment, at least as I practice it, is never delivered in anger, let alone rage, and it is strictly limited to his fleshy, well protected butt. The type of objects used to deliver that punishment are also strictly limited to those he has previously seen and approved. There are no surprises in that regard. And unlike "physical abuse," no actual long term or permanent damage is ever done to his body.

But why do it at all? That's easy - because it works. It is very effective in modifying and controlling his behavior. It accomplishes this without doing him any long term harm. And, most importantly, it reaffirms my loving authority and his willing submission to it - the very heart of what our Female Led Relationship is all about. In addition, it can't be denied that at the psychological level, when done in the context of a particular ritual we have developed, it satisfies a deep seeded need for him to experience physical pain when he has done something wrong and my deep seeded need to exercise control over him. Also, I have to admit, it can be very sensual and erotic - great fun for me and, even though you wouldn't think so, for him as well. The sense of bonding and attachment both of us feel towards each other after I administer corporal punishment to him is incredibly powerful and emotionally satisfying for both of us.

The Tools of Punishment Although I've tried many types of instruments of punishment, I've settled on four of them - each with its own purpose. I use two types of paddles - a small, heart shaped wooden one and a larger, heavy leather one; and I use two types of crops: a 30 inch, thin, nylon one, and a 36 inch, thicker but flexible wooden one.

I use the light, heart shaped paddle to inflict punishment that is more ceremonial or ritualistic than painful. I use it when the offense is minor but still warrants recognition of the offense and punishment. It makes an impressive, loud "thwack" when I apply it to his butt and there is some stinging and warming sensation but the sound is much greater than the physical sensation.

I use the larger, heavy leather paddle to apply real physical punishment for an offense against me - disrespect, disobedience or just being argumentative or giving me a hard time. I use it when I want to administer a lot of strokes over a lengthy punishment period and don't want the actual harm that would occur if I used a cane for that many strokes. I want him to spend some time thinking about his misbehavior as I'm punishing him and I want him to be bruised and sore for a couple of days afterward as a reminder.

I use the thin, nylon cane when I want to inflict a sharp, stinging pain of short duration. I use it to achieve immediate correction when I want to keep the punishment period brief because I want him to go right back to the task and do it right. I also use it when I want to expend as little effort as possible in punishing him. The thin, nylon material is very light and flexible and requires only a flick of the wrist to deliver a sharply painful sting. I have used it on occasion, when I am feeling particularly wicked, to guide and correct him when he is providing me with a sexual service - in particular, oral service.

Finally, I use the larger, thicker, wooden, rattan cane to inflict the maximum and longest lasting pain for the most major of offenses. The immediate pain of each stroke is very intense, often buckling his knees with each blow; and the deep bruising of the muscle causes significant pain for several days afterwards. Examples of Offenses and the Corporal Punishment Applied Probably the best way to illustrate just how I use corporal punishment on my hubby is to provide a few examples of actual offenses committed and the punishment I gave him. For each of the offenses described, I also meted out an additional, non-corporal punishment that was specific to that offense. Those specific punishments will be described in the next section. The first example of an offense was the failure to do a household chore - putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. This offense is fairly minor when looked at by itself, but I know that the failure to recognize and punish offenses like undone chores leads to laxity about that chore in the future and, when the offense continues to be ignored, spreads to other chores as well. It is better to nip it in the bud right away - punish at the first violation. As the offense itself was minor, the corporal punishment I applied was minor - five slaps of the light, heart-shaped paddle on his butt. Message delivered - message received.

The second example of an offense was one that was more serious. One evening I was on the phone with a male work colleague of mine. Now I am naturally flirtatious and enjoy the back and forth banter I often have with this gentleman. Well, it seems hubby didn't like that I was ignoring him and he didn't like the sexual innuendos and increasingly personal conversation I was having and he let me know about it with scowls of disapproval as he began pacing back and forth near me, eavesdropping on my conversation, and muttering disrespectful comments. I certainly wasn't going to put up with that. I told my colleague I would call him back. I considered both his judgmental attitude and his disrespect towards me as major offenses warranting significant punishment to deter future occurrences. I wanted him to think again about his conduct and his attitude and I wanted him to think about it while he was being punished. I used the heavy, leather paddle on him, administering two dozen blows on the fleshy cheeks of his ass over a half hour period. I also engaged in a little corrective monologue between each blow to make my message to him very clear, to ensure it was being received. He was bruised, physically sore but very apologetic afterwards.

The third and final example of an offense he committed is the one I mentioned earlier in the blog entry - the failure to warn me of his impending orgasm and his completion of the orgasm without regard to the fact that he did not have my permission to cum. I already mentioned that one of the punishments he received was my cancellation of two of his four annual complete orgasms. I also imposed a specific punishment for the offense, on the spot, which I will describe later. In addition to those two punishments, I meted out fairly severe corporal punishment.

I gave him five strokes with the heavy, rattan cane every day for seven consecutive days. Why seven days? The one week period reflected the time it would take for him to reacquire the obedient, devoted state of mind that I demand of him and which is lost for up to a week after he has a full orgasm. Orgasm control - my control of his orgasm lies at the very heart of my authority over him. It makes our Female Led Relationship work. I wanted to punish him for each one of the days that I expected would be lost to me.

Why only five strokes? It wasn't kindness or mercy that limited the strokes to five each day, it was practicality. Each stroke of the heavy cane is very painful and causes thin, deep bruises and surface welts where it strikes. I wanted the bruises and welts of each individual stroke to be felt for several days. If I delivered more than five strokes per day, I would not be able to find fresh, unmarked areas of his butt cheeks to strike each day. At the end of the seven days, his butt was a mass of various shades of purple bruises and red welts. My message to him was very important. I wanted to deliver it for seven days to make sure he got it. My message was definitely received. Since then, he has never failed to warn me of an impending orgasm in sufficient time for me to ruin it. Our Corporal Punishment Ritual The manner in which corporal punishment is delivered is very important. To ensure the message that is delivered is consistent, the way it is delivered must be consistent and symbolically meaningful. It must reaffirm my loving authority by providing him with a way to immediately demonstrate his regret and his submission to my authority. The ritual aspect of corporal punishment gives us the ability to rapidly reacquire our proper roles when they have been momentarily lost. It is designed to be a symbolic ideal of our dominant/submissive relationship. It should be tailored to fit each individual couple. Ours fits us perfectly. The punishment ritual begins when I signal to him that he has committed an offense and that he is going to be punished. I simply tell him "Get upstairs . . . Now." Or, if he is already upstairs, "Go assume the position." When he hears those words, he is required to instantly stop whatever he is doing or saying, go to our bedroom, put a blindfold on, stand next to and facing the side of the bed, feet shoulder width apart, bent over at the waist with his forearms and forehead on the bed. It sure is a great way to immediately end an argument!

I will generally let him wait for me in that position for several minutes. It gives him time to think about and dread the coming punishment and me time to cool down if I'm pissed at him and calmly decide on just how I want to punish him. While I'm doing that, I will go into the hall closet and retrieve a pair of high-heeled shoes I keep there just for these occasions. We have hard wood floors and I want him to hear the click-click-click of my approach. It builds the tension and shifts both of us into our respective punishment roles. Once in the bedroom, I waste no time. Without saying anything, I come up behind him, slip my arms around his waist and quickly undo his belt, waist button and fly. Then I roughly pull his pants and underwear down all at once in one swift motion, leaving them in a heap, wrapped around his ankles. At this point, hubby is often shaking, his legs quivering. I run the palm of my hand lightly over his rump as though I am clearing a place for the blows he knows will be coming soon. I ask him if he knows why he is being punished. He almost always does. Even if he doesn't, he takes a stab at it. Once I'm sure he knows, I pat his ass once and tell him "yes, that is correct." I turn away from him and take the several steps needed to reach my dresser. From personal experience, I know just how acute one's hearing becomes when blindfolded. I know he can hear the click of my heels on the wood floor, the scrape of the top drawer being pulled out and the rattle of my rummaging through the several instruments of punishment I keep there. I return with my chosen instrument and begin his punishment, providing verbal correction between each stroke. I never tell him how many strokes he's getting or what instrument I'm using. Although by now, I'm sure he can tell what it is after the first stroke. After I've given him the last of my intended strokes, I put the instrument back in the dresser and return to him. I will run my fingers lightly over his now inflamed ass cheeks and tell him the punishment is done. If I have broken skin, I will put some ointment on the area. He will rise up from the bed, remove his blindfold and hug me, often with tears in his eyes, and apologize to me again. Then I will sit on the side of the bed where he was just punished and he will kneel in front of me, his trousers and underwear still wrapped around his ankles.

What happens next is a very important part of the punishment ritual. In this part, he affirms his submission to me in a positive way, and is given a way to show me his complete and continuing devotion to me. He begins by bending low while he kneels and kisses both of my feet. Unless I stop him, he will continue to kiss and gently lick the insides of my ankles, then work his way up my legs to my thighs. Generally, I will stop him there. I will comb my fingers through his hair. Then, I will then tell him that he is forgiven.

Every once in a while, when I am really horny(sometimes delivering the corporal punishment will really turn me on), I will let him continue up the insides of my thighs to my pussy. He will service me until I cum, usually with my legs draped over his shoulders, heels digging into his back and hands wrapped around the back of his neck. It is always a wonderful, powerfully intense orgasm after a corporal punishment ritual. When the last of my orgasmic shivers subside, I will comb my fingers through his hair and tell him he is forgiven. It is an exquisite moment of re-bonding and re-commitment to each other. Even though he may have a very sore bottom, he is always very happier and very emotional in his demonstration of devotion. He knows he is back in my good graces.

Punishment Specific to the Offense This is the third possible type of punishment for an offense. Its purpose is to get him to connect a particular punishment to a particular offense. I want him to know that in addition to any physical punishment, he will have to go back and re-do or otherwise make up for the wrongful act. I do not want him thinking that he can just exchange acceptance of corporal punishment for not doing something he is supposed to do. So, in the three examples of misbehavior already discussed: Failure to do a domestic chore - putting away clean dishes: I awarded him the punishment of doing the dishes by hand for the next three days. That is, he had to wash, dry and put away the dishes from every meal by hand. I figured it would make him appreciate the convenience of the dishwasher and understand that using it, including putting the dishes away, was a far better option than doing them by hand. It must have worked because he hasn't forgotten to put them away since. Disrespect to me and eavesdropping on my telephone call: The corporal punishment I gave him for this, a half hour of whacks with the heavy paddle, was substantial. It was something I thought he would remember. So, I had a lot of leeway with what I could do about the specific punishment. Since it involved a telephone call and disrespect, I thought the punishment had to involve me talking on the telephone and he making up for the disrespect with an act of devotion.

I had him bring over the foot stool and the pedicure kit and kneel on the hard wood floor in front of the easy chair in our bedroom. I seated myself in the chair and called my colleague back, resuming our conversation where we left off. As we talked, my hubby gave me a pedicure, a job for which I have trained him well over the years. I'm sure that with his well tanned backside and the wood floor digging into his knees, he was in more than a little discomfort but he persevered and did an excellent job. In the meantime, I was deliberately extra flirtatious. I wanted him to fully understand that how I talked with other men was none of his business.

Cumming without permission and without warning: The specific punishment I awarded him for this was a spur of the moment thing. It wasn't something I had planned ahead of time but I have to say, even at the risk of being immodest (who me?), it was inspired.

As you may recall, he had cum while he was inside of me as I rode him on top. I was shocked and surprised at the act of disobedience. He knew better than that and, I knew it was no accident. I might have pushed him over the edge, but I was certain that from many years of edging experience, he clearly knew what was happening and simply chose to complete his orgasm without telling me in time to stop it. One look at his expression confirmed that. There was a smirk, not a look of surprised horror on his face.

I pulled him out of my pussy and put my fingers over my vagina to keep his spunk from pouring out of me and onto the clean sheets. Without missing a beat, I slid up along his torso until my shins were on his shoulders, pinning him to the mattress. I looked down at him and he back up at me. Slowly, in that coldly calm voice I use when he is in trouble, I said: "Okay, you made the mess - you clean it up."

As I spoke, I shifted my hips forward until my pussy was directly over his face, then leaned forward as I removed my fingers from my sopping wet hole. Resting one hand on the headboard, I used my other to pull down on his jaw, hooking my sperm slicked thumb into his mouth to open it. The smirk disappeared, replaced by the look of horror I wanted. I watched as a month and half of his thick, white cream slid from my hole to his mouth, covering his lips and tongue and running down the corners of his mouth. "Swallow it - swallow all of it," I said calmly. "I don't want a single drop on my clean sheets."

I guess his obedience training took over because even with the look of horror, he swallowed it and used his tongue to lick up the overflow on his lips. I helped collect some of the rivulets running down his jaw and neck and offered my cum soaked fingers for cleaning. When he swallowed everything that had poured into his mouth and onto his lips, I lowered myself down until my pussy lips were on his mouth and issued my final command: "Clean me."

And he did - with lips and tongue he consumed every drop of his cum and my juices. It was hot, very hot - and I came in a rush, moaning, gyrating and collapsing over his face.

And so, it is now a given. Any sperm that he releases without permission, he must consume. Since then, he has never had a complete orgasm without permission again. I receive plenty of warning now to ruin it, and I do. But, since the ruined orgasm is also sperm released without permission, he must consume that too. Now we both know that I will often drive him to an orgasm and ruin it just to drain his prostate for health reasons, but I never tell him when I am doing that so as far as he is concerned, it is releasing sperm without permission.

Conclusion There are two key elements to having a successful Female Led Relationship where the FLR is a serious, 24/7, total power exchange. Those elements are female control of the male orgasm and female punishment of the male to guide and control behavior. Control of the male orgasm is the long term method for keeping the male compliant, obedient and devoted. Punishment, particularly corporal punishment, is the method of choice for immediately correcting misbehavior for those occasional times when the male's conduct wanders off the desired path. Corporal punishment, when done right, acts as a deterrent for future misconduct and as a reinforcement of the female's authority.

It is important to remember that a Female Led Relationship is consensual between the parties, as are the key controlling elements: orgasm control and corporal punishment of the male. Done successfully, corporal punishment restores the order of the relationship - the order desired by both parties. It is the responsibility of the female leader to educate herself about the various instruments and methods of corporal punishment before using them to avoid unintended long term or permanent harm to her mate. Corporal punishment should also be delivered in the context of a ritual that reinforces the female's authority and provides an opportunity for the male to show his regret and obtain forgiveness.

L.M.

---------------------------------------------------- I would be interested in your comments. What do you think about the article in particular and how do you feel generally about incorporating punishment into a Female Led Relationship? kelmag