Monday, July 23, 2012

Female Led Relationships: Fantasy vs. Reality


I've been giving some thought to the difference between the FLR fantasy and the FLR reality. I have also been thinking about how one gets from fantasy to reality. I am in a Female Led Relationship and have been now for about fifteen months which hardly makes me an expert. But I was part of what I think is the largest group among the many possible permutations: the secret sub male who wanted the fantasy he had of an FLR to become a reality. And, I have followed dozens of FLR and FLR related blogs for many years so I have acquired the experience of many others in a similar situation. This blog post is for you secret and not so secret sub males out there. And for you ladies who have a sub doing it all wrong - well you might want to read and show them this.


First, although it should be obvious, it must stated that the fantasy FLR is much different than the reality. The fantasy is fun and effortless. The focus of every imagined scenario is on yourself and there is no need to even think about the feelings, desires or fears of anybody else. The fantasized figure fulfills every kink, exactly as you want it and never tires of catering to you.



The reality of an FLR is very different. It requires a lot of work and patience to bring it about and to live it. But, when it goes right, it so worth all the effort. Unlike the fantasy, in reality FLR the feelings, desires and fears of your mate are not only very important, they are all that is important when you come right down to it. Engaging those feelings, desires and fears are the only pathway to achieving the FLR reality. In fact, to achieve the reality FLR there must be a complete paradigm shift from the self-absorbed "do me" fantasy to a female centered model in which her needs are met and she receives immediate and substantial benefits from the power shift.



It is amazing how many sub males think they can move from fantasy to reality by just dropping on their mate the fact that they are submissive and want to serve them. They blurt out their deepest held fantasy kinks in the belief that being honest and open is the best approach. Generally, they will tell their wife/girlfriend all of the things they will do for them and in return they want them to fulfill their fantasies of sexual submission.



It rarely, if ever works; and for good reason. The approach, like the fantasy, does not engage the probable feelings, desires or fears of their mate. But these are not fantasy figures. They are real people - real women and their reaction usually ranges from a kind of negative bemusement, to outright fear and hostility.

And why shouldn't they react that way. After all, the male has had years, perhaps even decades to think about and explore their various kinks. For most women in a vanilla marriage, their exposure to kink has been minimal and what little exposure they have had (perhaps from the mass media) has been very negative. It is certainly not how they viewed themselves, or you, or their relationship or their future.



Now honesty is always good. Lying is almost always a bad idea. But being honest does not mean blurting out everything. There is a time and a place, and a lot of groundwork must be done before major, "shocking" kinks are exposed. Patience, small steps, each building on the last step is required to move your mate into the proper frame of mind to even consider such a "radical" change in her relationship as an FLR. Remember, females leading is the very antithesis of everything she has been taught as a modern woman. A modern woman is taught that "equality" is the desired norm. If she has had a traditional or religious education, the male taking the lead was taught as the norm.



Nothing in her background; nothing in her experience has prepared her for the idea that she, the female should lead in the relationship. In fact, all of her previous experience with that concept has probably been negative, with women who lead often viewed as "bitches" or butch; certainly not feminine. While the fantasizing male has conjured and kept a whole host of FLR images in his mind, his uninitiated mate will generally not have the slightest idea of what a FLR means to her except it sounds bizarre, scary and threatening to her way of life.



So, what is the recommended way to go? How do you go from fantasy to reality? There is no formula or method that fits all. Every couple will be different in many ways but there are a few principals that are common and may provide some ideas for some practical things to try.

First, put your wife/girlfriend at the center of this. You must first determine what her needs are. What would improve the quality of her life. Now perhaps serving her wine on bended knee while dressed in a French maid's outfit may be a hot fantasy for you and, in your mind, seems to be "serving" her, but in actuality, that scenario is probably the furthest thing from her mind. Helping with or doing the laundry, shopping and cooking would probably be more like it but you will have determine for yourself just what those quality of life boosters are.



Second, family control of decisions cannot be just dropped on her in a large, undefined heap. But you can determine a couple of things that she really likes to have control of and suggest she have final authority for those one or two things. Perhaps it is vacation planning (as it was for my wife) or choosing furniture and furnishings, or deciding weekend activities - whatever it is, try out the shift in authority in one or two discrete areas and let her have fun with it. Be completely supportive and never complain about any of those decisions.



Third, there is sex. There is always sex. Generally, the males libido is stronger than the females . Pressure for sex is often a continuing source of dispute between partners, particularly for those who have been in a long relationship. For the woman, the choice between having sex when you don't want to or dealing with an angry, rejected mate is often an agonizing choice that causes intense resentment. For the male, who is either rejected or provided with passionless, uninspired sex, the results are the same, resentment. Again, there isn't a formula for everybody, but the following general principals might lead to a specific solution for you:


1. Sex should be a special, powerful event in your lives. It should never be done when either party is not in the mood for it or otherwise distracted. Sex should never be routine!

2. Generally, the male is always ready for sex in all or nearly all its many forms. Whereas, the female is only sometimes in the mood for sex and may (currently) have more limitations as to the type or form.

3. Taking 1 and 2 above together, it makes complete sense that the female should be the one to decide if, when, where and how sex takes place. Therefore, the male should never ask for or pressure his mate for sex. The female should never be concerned that any touching by her, even intimate touching, will lead inevitably to pressure for sex.



4. Following from 3 above, physical intimacy need not always or even usually result in sex. What is meant by physical intimacy is touching, caressing, hugging, kissing and quiet conversation while in contact.

5. Physical intimacy is so important to the strengthening of the emotional bond that it must be done frequently, certainly no less than every other day and preferably nearly every day. Time should be set aside, even if it is only for five or ten minutes a day, for physical intimacy.

6. During physical intimacy, sexual arousal by either or both should be considered a side benefit, but there should be no expectation of sex by the male.



7. Reducing the frequency of orgasms by the male will have a substantial effect on his sexual ardor and the focus of that sexual ardor, which will be his wife/significant other. This means the male should avoid masturbation. In the beginning, the male should go without orgasm for at least several days at a time, extending over time to 1 to 4 weeks, depending upon a number of other variables. There is powerful biochemistry at work when orgasm frequency is reduced. There is a steady build-up in Dopamine (the desire and pleasure neurotransmitter) and Oxytocin (the bonding or devotion neurotransmitter). Orgasm releases a flood of dopamine which is immediately disposed of by a release of Prolactin leaving the male in a depressed Dopamine condition for a week or more.



8. If the male sub has a male chastity or tease and denial fantasy, after a few months of struggling with reducing orgasms on his own, it might be possible to address this desire with one's wife/girlfriend but only after their mate has experienced his elevated mood and bonding from the already reduced orgasm frequency.



9. Although male orgasm frequency may be reduced, female orgasm should occur as often as she wants it. In fact, to allay any guilt feelings she might have about wanting an orgasm for herself while her mate is denied release, it might be a good idea to set aside at least one night a week in which all physical intimacy, whether or not it leads to sex (her call) is focused on her. This might take the form of a foot, neck or full body massage, with or without a "happy ending;" or any other form of attention or physical intimacy she desires. My wife and I call it "Lady's Night," and it is always great fun. The mood is set with candles, scented oils and soft music. It is always a special night for both of us.






Then there is time. Find ways to give your mate time for herself to use as she wishes. If there are children and she is the primary care giver, take over that task for one or both days of a weekend so she can be on her own to get her nails and hair done, go to lunch with friends, shop at the mall or whatever else she enjoys doing. Even if there are no kids involved, letting her know that her time is her own for one or both off days will give her a great boost. If she wants to spend time together with you great - but let it be her call as to what and where you will go.

So, to summarize - be patient, be subtle and be empathic. View her life and the relationship through her eyes. A real Female Led Relationship is far more satisfying than the fantasy version but it takes a lot more work, planning and perseverance. But, it is worth it. It is so worth it.



My apologies to my regular readers if this entry isn't quite what they were used to. I am preparing a new entry, "The Home Coming," which will be published sometime in the new few weeks. It is, shall we say, a little more arousing. Stay tuned . . .

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for a useful article that gives practical steps for going from a fantasy to a reality in a relationship.

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  2. great post, well articulated, and very true...!!

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  3. Dave94015 and At All Times,
    Thanks for your comments. They are most appreciated.
    kelmag

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  4. Excellent article, well thought out and written.

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  5. Wow... excellent article, recommended by AAT. Thanks!

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  6. Hi kelmag,
    I just caught up to the present on your blog, having found it recently and read from the beginning. It is outstanding. I've learned from and thoroughly enjoyed every post. Thank you for sharing! Looking forward to reading in real time as you post new entries.
    marissa

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  7. I hope you will consider doing a review of my book: Real Women Don't Do Housework

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/207590365/

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  8. Seems like a pretty efficient guide to create a sick and unequal relationship, where one party’s needs and pleasure matter more, and where the other party is expected to acquiesce and obey like a good dog.

    Number 5 is essential on any relationship. But why on earth would I want to be intimate with someone who doesn’t treat me as an equal, expect her needs and pleasure to matter more, and doesn’t provide the same level of service and effort into pleasing me as I do into pleading her?

    This is a certain recipe to create resentment. You rightfully said “For the male, who is either rejected or provided with passionless, uninspired sex, the results are the same, resentment” and then proposes a lifestyle that completely take his pleasure out of the picture.
    How does that not create MORE resentment, genius?

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    Replies
    1. Also, point 3 is completely absurd. BOTH parties always have say about “when, where and how sex takes place”, just because one party initiates it doesn’t mean the other has no input. And both always have the option to refuse if they are not in the mood.

      To conclude that the man should not initiate is a complete non sequitur. This is the surest way to cause resentment on the man who will think his needs are worthless. This can also cause resentment on the woman since in a normal relationship she may want the man to show initiative, make an effort to put her on the mood, and show how much he desires her.

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  9. “There is powerful biochemistry at work when orgasm frequency is reduced. There is a steady build-up in Dopamine (the desire and pleasure neurotransmitter) and Oxytocin (the bonding or devotion neurotransmitter). Orgasm releases a flood of dopamine which is immediately disposed of by a release of Prolactin leaving the male in a depressed Dopamine condition for a week or more.”

    I addressed this on your idiotic post about the hormonal impacts of orgasm denial. But in short, all these hormones already vary wildly depending on age, diet, sleep, time of day, stress, activity level, genetics, etc. Any adult in control of his actions should go unaffected even by big changes, and do the right thing regardless. Women do that every month during PMS, it’s not rocket science.
    Also you are relying on flimsy data, even in the “Cupid's Poisoned Arrow” the author admits there is little hard data on this, especially in terms of how strong the hormonal changes are and for how long.

    Second, the entire line of reasoning is wrong. Going without orgasms will not put you on an indefinite dopamine high, the hormone always normalizes to your genetic baseline. Oxytocin is increased by intimacy and promotes bonding, so feelings of being controlled by your partner and having your pleasure denied is the surest way to PLUMMET oxytocin and destroy any feeling of devotion I could have towards my partner. And finally, sexual frustration as a whole is a sure way to cause resentment, stress, and increase cortisol.
    Nothing kills attraction fasted than feelings of not having your needs met.

    After orgasm your dopamine simply stabilizes back to your genetic baseline. If you actually feel “depression and lack of motivation”(!) after orgasm then you are in need of serious help.
    Oxytocin is INCREASED by orgasms, literally the most bonding experience a couple can have is orgasming together. Oxytocin STAYS high and you will spend the next few hours on blissful cuddling enjoying the high and strengthening the relationship bond. After that is simply normalizes, if a man loses interest in you after sex then sex if all he wanted to begin with.
    Prolactin increases after orgasms and it doesn’t take long to normalize, and it only deals with sexual drive, it should not affect anyone who is interested in you for more than sex. And of course, cortisol drops after orgasm and reduces stress.

    So the combination of reduced dopamine, increased prolactin, increased oxytocin, and reduced cortisol could not be any more BENEFICIAL.
    It literally means you are relaxed, sexually satisfied, more bonded, and less stressed. It is the PERFECT time to create a connection and focus on relationship aspects that don’t relate to sex.
    If your partner loses interest in you after this perfect combination, then go find someone who is worth a damn!

    The idea that you should put one partner’s needs above the other, create an unequal relationship, and sacrifice pleasure in order to get affection is laughable and unfounded.

    Don’t use this hormonal change to justify lack of investment and commitment, or to conclude that you need to be constantly horny to show affection, it’s pathetic and sad.

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