I have received a number of questions about the written understanding or agreement my wife and I have since I mentioned a revision to it a few posts ago. I also promised to publish it. The photos do not appear in our Understanding - I've added them to illustrate some of the points and to entertain my followers. This is the second written Agreement my wife and I have used. The changes to the first one involved incorporating the Wife Lead Marriage principles we agreed to and doing away with the game of chance and coupons we used since, by mutual agreement, we seemed to have outgrown them.
A few words of advice about written agreements for those thinking about developing one - first, don't be in a hurry to lock things into an agreement - let your new relationship play out a while to see what works and what doesn't. I think it is a good idea to include goals and reasons for the new relationship. It acts as a nice refresher as to why you are doing what you are doing. We found it helpful to do at least a monthly re-reading and discussion of our Understanding.
So without further ado - our Understanding, which has been in effect for about five months and seems to be working very well for both of us.
The Queen and Her Knight
Introduction
In the last year or so we have played at several games that succeeded in greatly improving our sex life and our entire relationship. We are closer now than we have ever been before. In the last six months we have added another dynamic to the game that is not really a game - it is a change in the way we, as a couple, make decisions in our marriage. This has taken the "game" out of the bedroom and generalized it in a way that has had a great positive effect on both of us as individuals, and on us as a couple.
We have both enjoyed the benefits of these changes. We both feel a sense of closeness and trust in each other that is an improvement over where we were before and an indication of just how much more is possible. Our sex life, for both of us, has improved to the point that we never want to go back to the way it was before we did this. However, all of these benefits do not come without effort and a continuing focus on each other's needs and happiness. If we are going to continue in this wonderful place and climb ever higher, we must both be committed to the things that brought it about.
This Understanding is in two parts - Part 1 for the wife led marriage relationship and part 2 for the male chastity game.
Part 1
Wife Led Marriage - a Description
Basically our wife led marriage is a marriage in which both parties acknowledge beforehand that, when there is a dispute or difference of opinion on an issue in the marriage (anything that affects both of them), that the wife breaks the tie and makes the final decision, with that decision being accepted by the husband without argument or rancor. We have adopted this form of decision-making because, after long experience, we recognize the following:
1. On balance, B's decision-making is better because she takes more factors into account and is more sensitive to the feelings of others affected by the decision. We both recognize that she will not always arrive at the best decision - no human being is always right; but more times than not, her decisions will be well thought out and fair.
2. We have recognized that disputes tear at the fabric of our relationship. They often become bitter and spill over into other, seemingly unrelated areas causing a domino effect of disputes and hard feelings;
3. That when we had equal power in decision-making and neither of us could convince the other of the correctness of our respective views, the decision never really got made, the argument continued without end . We have found in these last six months, where B had the final authority on disputed issues, that disputes didn't continue and spread. They were resolved on the spot.
4. K is willing to give up this authority to B because he recognizes that no possible issue in dispute is worth damaging his relationship with B, and frankly, he recognizes that things run much more smoothly if disputes get resolved immediately with a final decision.
We both agree that this tie-breaking, decision-making authority extends into all areas of the marriage on matters that affect both of us, without limitation or restriction.
When in public, or in the presence of other people, we will make no special attempts to either display this decision-making power in our marriage or to hide it. We will simply discuss an issue as we ordinarily would and if there seems to be a difference in our opinion and a decision can't wait, K will simply accept B's view and support it.
With respect to the handling of household chores, we have had no difficulty in the past dividing them or pitching in to help the other with a task. However, K wants to be as helpful as possible in this area and is perfectly willing to assume more of the household chores responsibility.
Similarly, with respect to the way our finances are managed and controlled, K will continue to have day to day responsibility for bill paying, record keeping and investing, however expenditures will now come under the ultimate authority of B. Where there is no agreement, B now has the ultimate authority to decide on whether a purchase is made. This extends to all areas of the marriage, including, but not limited to home improvement, furniture and furnishings and vacations.
B and K both recognize that this change to our decision-making system does not alter the fact that both of us are of equal value to the marriage and deserve an equal amount of respect and consideration from each other. We both agree to immediately communicate to each other any problems or concerns arising from this decision-making arrangement.
Part 2
The Male Chastity Game
We have been playing with male chastity as part of our sexual relationship for over a year. We have found that it has provided a huge boost to the pleasure and satisfaction of our sexual relationship.
For B, the main benefit has been her control over when, where and how sex takes place and her complete freedom from pressure for sex from K. She has also benefited by the change in K's mood, attitude and sensitivity during periods when he is chaste and the passionate, explosive sex when his release is allowed. B also enjoys sexual play and attention whenever she desires, including orgasm, without worrying about K reaching orgasm.
For K, the main benefit has been the tremendously magnified intensity of his pleasure when he does release. K has also benefited by the feelings of pleasure he gets from the continuous state of arousal he feels between orgasms - particularly when regularly and creatively teased and denied by B. Equally beneficial to K is the pleasure he gets from seeing that B is totally into it when they do have sex - that she is reacting with passion to him, whether or not K gets to orgasm himself. K also benefits from the powerful bonding feelings he has towards B during his chaste periods and the pleasure he gets from doing things for her. K also feels that because of his change in mood and attitude, he is a better husband.
The "Rules" of the Game as we presently play it:
The most important rule and the one that governs every other rule, is B can change or ignore a rule whenever she chooses to without having to explain why. The guiding principle for this and for every rule is the recognition by both that K is always ready for sex in all its many and varied forms, whereas B is only sometimes ready for sex and sometimes likes or doesn't like one or more of the many forms of sex, depending upon her mood at the time.
We have recently made several significant changes to the way we play this game. The changes tend to incorporate the male chastity game into this new Wife Led Marriage decision-making arrangement rather than having it as a stand-alone thing. Although the marble drawing game of chance was fun and useful for its time, we have outgrown the need for a game of chance to control K's orgasms. B now feels fully capable of making that decision and it better fits the theme of a Wife Led Marriage. From now on, the when, how and where of K's release will be entirely under the control of B.
Although both parties agree that. in general, it would be best for K to be granted release every 7-30 days, it is entirely within B's discretion to alter that time period. B may do this to enhance the effect of the chastity play or simply for B's convenience and personal desires. B may also add days to the chastity period for specific instances of misbehavior by K - conduct that does not conform with his own behavioral expectations or those of B. Instances of misbehavior by K might include:
* Angry outbursts, directed at anybody but particularly at B.
* Continued opposition after B has made a final decision.
* Being disrespectful to B in any way.
* Complaining about any decision by B.
* Criticizing B in front of anyone else.
* Anything else deemed by B to be misbehavior.
Although B may add any number of extra days to the chastity period for K's misbehavior, the following is the guideline that K can expect:
* 5 extra days for the first instance during a chastity period;
* 10 extra days for a second instance; and
* 20 extra days for a third and any subsequent instance.
The following form has been created for the purpose of putting K on notice that he has misbehaved and that a number of extra days have been added to his chastity period:
Notice
____ days have been added to
your Chastity period for your
1st/2nd/3rd or more misconduct
Awarded with love to help you become
the person you want to become.
Please initial and return to me
with a kiss _________
To ensure that K remains chaste between authorized releases, he will, at all times, wear a locked chastity device which prevents his release. This device will be removed for brief periods only for cleaning and to avoid the development of abrasions and raw spots, about every 5-7 days. K will also remove it when directed by B for sexual play or for other purposes. B will have one key to the device lock. The other key will be kept in a sealed, stamped envelope by K. He may remove the key from the envelope and use it either with the permission of B, or, if urgently necessary, on his own but if so, must inform B immediately afterwards that he has used it. B may ask to see the envelope at any time and even if not asked, K will offer it for inspection before any sexual play.
As part of this agreement, it is understood that K needs frequent physical contact with B during the chastity period. This physical contact can be both overtly sexual or non-sexual, with sexual contact, in the form of tease and denial done as often as B wants to do it. K may not in any way pressure B into sexual contact or initiate sexual contact without B's permission. B is completely free to enjoy release whenever she wants to with K participating or not as B decides. It is intended that B will enjoy several orgasms for each one K obtains.
B is under no obligation to tell K when his next release will be and K may not ask. If B does give K a release date, B is perfectly free to change her mind, even literally at the last minute. K may not release until given permission to do so. Once given permission to release, K is encouraged to do so as quickly as possible since the permission may be withdrawn at any time.
With respect to tease and denial (T&D) sexual play, we previously were doing this about every three days, prior to each marble drawing. In addition, to show K's appreciation for B's efforts during T&D (since B often didn't want reciprocal touching), K had been giving B a coupon good for two (or more) hours of free time. As the marble drawing is now gone, there will be no fixed schedule for doing T&D but all other things being equal (good behavior from K and consequent good mood by B) it is intended that T&D will be done about as often as before.
With respect to the "free time" coupons, they were a good, fun idea at the time, but as with the marble game, we have outgrown it and it is no longer useful. B can simply take whatever free time she feels she needs or desires whenever she wants to. K will cover whatever chores or responsibilities B may have had.
Since K still wanted to show some kind of special appreciation for B's T&D efforts and coupons were no longer useful, at B's suggestion, the coupons have been replaced with cold, hard cash, under the following set of rules:
1. The source of the cash will be K's discretionary spending money and not household funds or jointly owned accounts.
2. The cash appreciation will be paid by K only for T&D that does not result in a release by K. We never want cash to provide any incentive for orgasmic release. It is so much harder to deny release, that any incentive that cash might provide should be for that.
3. The cash is intended as a tangible demonstration of K's appreciation for B's T&D efforts. As such, there will be no requirement to pay - the T&D is not being "purchased." Whether any payment is made, and the amount of the payment will be at the sole discretion of K and will reflect B's efforts and K's enjoyment of it.
4. B may spend the cash however she wishes and is encouraged to splurge on herself in ways that she may feel hesitant to do with household money. This money is intended to be used at Nordstrom and Bloomingdales, not Walmart and Target. Spa treatments, lunches out at fine restaurants, and yes - even cosmetic medical treatments (hello Botox, goodbye "11"). K really wants B to feel and enjoy the appreciation he has for her.
[Blogger's Note: I generally enclose a note with the cash using one of two custom made note cards below:]
Chastity Holidays
A chastity holiday is a period in which K does not wear a chastity device. Although not wearing a device, he remains honor bound not to orgasm outside of B's presence or without her permission. A chastity holiday can be declared by B for any reason but will usually be reserved for periods when they are traveling, staying over with friends or relatives or when they treat themselves to a "hotel weekend." K may request a chastity holiday but must get approval from B before the device is removed.
K Hopes to Achieve the Following With This New Relationship
* To become a kinder, gentler person who will help to create an atmosphere of love, support and acceptance for his family to enjoy.
* To eliminate the sources of friction from his relationship with B by having decisions made with finality and without rancor.
* To support B in every way, in whatever she wants to do.
* To enjoy the elevated mood and feelings of connection and bonding with B during chastity periods that have a lot of intimate play time together.
* To provide B with as much sexual pleasure as she can handle (and then perhaps a little more).
* To enjoy the intensified feelings of pleasure and connection experienced with a release that occurs after a period of chastity that had lots of tease and denial.
B Hopes to Achieve the Following With This New Relationship
* To enjoy a deep and fulfilling relationship with K.
* To help K to become the sort of person that he wants to become.
* To make wise decisions that will benefit her family.
* To be free of unwanted pressure for sex - to ensure sex is something we will always both enjoy together.
* To be sensitive to and aware of K's need for physical affection and to provide it to the best of her ability.
* To accept, even if she does't understand it, K's enjoyment of male chastity and tease and denial, and to enjoy the game with him.
In loving commitment to each other, we have reached this Understanding.
November 29, 2011
