Female Led Relationships: Fantasy vs. Reality

I've been giving some thought to the difference between the FLR fantasy and the FLR reality. I have also been thinking about how one gets from fantasy to reality. I am in a Female Led Relationship and have been now for about fifteen months which hardly makes me an expert. But I was part of what I think is the largest group among the many possible permutations: the secret sub male who wanted the fantasy he had of an FLR to become a reality. And, I have followed dozens of FLR and FLR related blogs for many years so I have acquired the experience of many others in a similar situation. This blog post is for you secret and not so secret sub males out there. And for you ladies who have a sub doing it all wrong - well you might want to read and show them this.

First, although it should be obvious, it must stated that the fantasy FLR is much different than the reality. The fantasy is fun and effortless. The focus of every imagined scenario is on yourself and there is no need to even think about the feelings, desires or fears of anybody else. The fantasized figure fulfills every kink, exactly as you want it and never tires of catering to you.

The reality of an FLR is very different. It requires a lot of work and patience to bring it about and to live it. But, when it goes right, it so worth all the effort. Unlike the fantasy, in reality FLR the feelings, desires and fears of your mate are not only very important, they are all that is important when you come right down to it. Engaging those feelings, desires and fears are the only pathway to achieving the FLR reality. In fact, to achieve the reality FLR there must be a complete paradigm shift from the self-absorbed "do me" fantasy to a female centered model in which her needs are met and she receives immediate and substantial benefits from the power shift.

It is amazing how many sub males think they can move from fantasy to reality by just dropping on their mate the fact that they are submissive and want to serve them. They blurt out their deepest held fantasy kinks in the belief that being honest and open is the best approach. Generally, they will tell their wife/girlfriend all of the things they will do for them and in return they want them to fulfill their fantasies of sexual submission.

It rarely, if ever works; and for good reason. The approach, like the fantasy, does not engage the probable feelings, desires or fears of their mate. But these are not fantasy figures. They are real people - real women and their reaction usually ranges from a kind of negative bemusement, to outright fear and hostility.

And why shouldn't they react that way. After all, the male has had years, perhaps even decades to think about and explore their various kinks. For most women in a vanilla marriage, their exposure to kink has been minimal and what little exposure they have had (perhaps from the mass media) has been very negative. It is certainly not how they viewed themselves, or you, or their relationship or their future.

Now honesty is always good. Lying is almost always a bad idea. But being honest does not mean blurting out everything. There is a time and a place, and a lot of groundwork must be done before major, "shocking" kinks are exposed. Patience, small steps, each building on the last step is required to move your mate into the proper frame of mind to even consider such a "radical" change in her relationship as an FLR. Remember, females leading is the very antithesis of everything she has been taught as a modern woman. A modern woman is taught that "equality" is the desired norm. If she has had a traditional or religious education, the male taking the lead was taught as the norm.

Nothing in her background; nothing in her experience has prepared her for the idea that she, the female should lead in the relationship. In fact, all of her previous experience with that concept has probably been negative, with women who lead often viewed as "bitches" or butch; certainly not feminine. While the fantasizing male has conjured and kept a whole host of FLR images in his mind, his uninitiated mate will generally not have the slightest idea of what a FLR means to her except it sounds bizarre, scary and threatening to her way of life.

So, what is the recommended way to go? How do you go from fantasy to reality? There is no formula or method that fits all. Every couple will be different in many ways but there are a few principals that are common and may provide some ideas for some practical things to try.

First, put your wife/girlfriend at the center of this. You must first determine what her needs are. What would improve the quality of her life. Now perhaps serving her wine on bended knee while dressed in a French maid's outfit may be a hot fantasy for you and, in your mind, seems to be "serving" her, but in actuality, that scenario is probably the furthest thing from her mind. Helping with or doing the laundry, shopping and cooking would probably be more like it but you will have determine for yourself just what those quality of life boosters are.

Second, family control of decisions cannot be just dropped on her in a large, undefined heap. But you can determine a couple of things that she really likes to have control of and suggest she have final authority for those one or two things. Perhaps it is vacation planning (as it was for my wife) or choosing furniture and furnishings, or deciding weekend activities - whatever it is, try out the shift in authority in one or two discrete areas and let her have fun with it. Be completely supportive and never complain about any of those decisions.

Third, there is sex. There is always sex. Generally, the males libido is stronger than the females . Pressure for sex is often a continuing source of dispute between partners, particularly for those who have been in a long relationship. For the woman, the choice between having sex when you don't want to or dealing with an angry, rejected mate is often an agonizing choice that causes intense resentment. For the male, who is either rejected or provided with passionless, uninspired sex, the results are the same, resentment. Again, there isn't a formula for everybody, but the following general principals might lead to a specific solution for you:

1. Sex should be a special, powerful event in your lives. It should never be done when either party is not in the mood for it or otherwise distracted. Sex should never be routine!

2. Generally, the male is always ready for sex in all or nearly all its many forms. Whereas, the female is only sometimes in the mood for sex and may (currently) have more limitations as to the type or form.

3. Taking 1 and 2 above together, it makes complete sense that the female should be the one to decide if, when, where and how sex takes place. Therefore, the male should never ask for or pressure his mate for sex. The female should never be concerned that any touching by her, even intimate touching, will lead inevitably to pressure for sex.

4. Following from 3 above, physical intimacy need not always or even usually result in sex. What is meant by physical intimacy is touching, caressing, hugging, kissing and quiet conversation while in contact.

5. Physical intimacy is so important to the strengthening of the emotional bond that it must be done frequently, certainly no less than every other day and preferably nearly every day. Time should be set aside, even if it is only for five or ten minutes a day, for physical intimacy.

6. During physical intimacy, sexual arousal by either or both should be considered a side benefit, but there should be no expectation of sex by the male.

7. Reducing the frequency of orgasms by the male will have a substantial effect on his sexual ardor and the focus of that sexual ardor, which will be his wife/significant other. This means the male should avoid masturbation. In the beginning, the male should go without orgasm for at least several days at a time, extending over time to 1 to 4 weeks, depending upon a number of other variables. There is powerful biochemistry at work when orgasm frequency is reduced. There is a steady build-up in Dopamine (the desire and pleasure neurotransmitter) and Oxytocin (the bonding or devotion neurotransmitter). Orgasm releases a flood of dopamine which is immediately disposed of by a release of Prolactin leaving the male in a depressed Dopamine condition for a week or more.

8. If the male sub has a male chastity or tease and denial fantasy, after a few months of struggling with reducing orgasms on his own, it might be possible to address this desire with one's wife/girlfriend but only after their mate has experienced his elevated mood and bonding from the already reduced orgasm frequency.

9. Although male orgasm frequency may be reduced, female orgasm should occur as often as she wants it. In fact, to allay any guilt feelings she might have about wanting an orgasm for herself while her mate is denied release, it might be a good idea to set aside at least one night a week in which all physical intimacy, whether or not it leads to sex (her call) is focused on her. This might take the form of a foot, neck or full body massage, with or without a "happy ending;" or any other form of attention or physical intimacy she desires. My wife and I call it "Lady's Night," and it is always great fun. The mood is set with candles, scented oils and soft music. It is always a special night for both of us.

Then there is time. Find ways to give your mate time for herself to use as she wishes. If there are children and she is the primary care giver, take over that task for one or both days of a weekend so she can be on her own to get her nails and hair done, go to lunch with friends, shop at the mall or whatever else she enjoys doing. Even if there are no kids involved, letting her know that her time is her own for one or both off days will give her a great boost. If she wants to spend time together with you great - but let it be her call as to what and where you will go.

So, to summarize - be patient, be subtle and be empathic. View her life and the relationship through her eyes. A real Female Led Relationship is far more satisfying than the fantasy version but it takes a lot more work, planning and perseverance. But, it is worth it. It is so worth it.

My apologies to my regular readers if this entry isn't quite what they were used to. I am preparing a new entry, "The Home Coming," which will be published sometime in the new few weeks. It is, shall we say, a little more arousing. Stay tuned . . .

Geez She's Getting Good At This

It appears that I have been so busy with work that I have let my weight creep back up to an unacceptable level. In the last year, I have added fifteen pounds which must come off. Of course, the logical thing to do was to return to the beginning of our chastity game in which I had to lose a pound to be eligible to be allowed to cum. This was how we started our chastity game. In fact, it was the justification I presented to my wife when I first revealed my chastity desires - I needed help to motivate me to lose weight and the chastity device to keep me from taking things in my own hands (so to speak) and reducing that motivation.

This time around though, it will be two pounds lost before I am eligible to cum, with my wife, of course, deciding when, after that loss, I will be given release. I weigh in twice a week (Friday and Tuesday) and report my weight loss to her. She is also empowered to immediately stop me from eating something with just a look or a touch on my arm. If I object or argue with her, even if I give her some attitude, she is empowered to discipline me with a note that says five days (or more) have been added to my chastity period (after the two pound weight loss). The penalty doubles for each offense during that chastity period.

We are a month into this program and I am finding weight loss more difficult this time around. Maybe my metabolism has slowed or something but strict dieting and a daily ninety minute workout (mainly walking on an incline treadmill) has yielded an average of about a pound a week. Last Friday, just before a business trip to Los Angeles, I reported to her that I had lost my two pounds since my last release thirteen days previous. She gave me a smile and a wink and said I should have a very happy return when I got back.

Just before I drove back from LA Saturday night, my wife sent me a text message telling me she wanted me and that it was "going to be my night," which is her code for she was going to let me release. Well, it was pedal to the metal time. I made the three hour drive in two and a half. Arriving home, I found her in her robe lounging on the couch with a vodka tonic on the table which had been half consumed. After a hug and a very long, lingering, French Kiss, she took me by the hand and led me up the stairs to our bedroom. We embraced again and kissed, this time her hand snaked down to the front of my pants and she used the heel of her hand to rub my groin. The only problem was I still had on my Watchful Mistress, the steel chastity device I wear 24/7 except when she wants me out to play. I was engorged and bulging out of the bars, the tightness and pressure causing a type of pain that my mind has learned to interpret as pleasure and excitement.

She led me to the master bath and turned on the shower. Removing her robe, I found she was completely nude underneath. I watched, admiring her magnificent body as she turned and stepped into the shower. She looked back at me, crooked her finger and said "join me." I was out of my clothes in an instant and into the shower. She gave me another tight hug and kiss under the cascading hot water and then silently turned around - her signal that she wanted me to soap her back and massage her.

I worked from the back of her neck down, soaping and rubbing her back, reaching around to cup and lightly squeeze her breasts and nipples. I felt her sag a bit, leaning back towards me as I soaped her belly from behind and then reached down to her neatly trimmed pussy and slowly ran my finger up her slit. She leaned even more heavily into me as I worked her pussy with one hand while I slid the other down the crack of her tight, rounded ass, sliding over her anal sphincter before bringing my middle finger up to her tunnel and slipping the first joint of my finger in.

As I slowly worked her up into a frenzy, she slipped her hand back and began squeezing and massaging my still locked cock and bulging balls. After a few minutes her massaging of me stopped, her hand dropping limply by her side as I continued to slide a finger in and out of her while I rubbed and massaged her clit with my other hand. Her knees became weak, too weak to hold her up as she sagged back against me. Her eyes were closed and her mouth agape as the hot water splashed down on both us. "Oh god," she muttered as she again staggered back against me. I was having trouble holding her up and remaining upright myself on the slippery shower floor. I was a little afraid we would both go tumbling down against the stone blocks of the shower stall. It would make for an amusing double autopsy I thought.

I removed the hand working her clit, reached over and shut off the water, whispering "let's take this inside." She seemed to come to and recover her footing, taking the weight of her lean off of me, turned and smiled then hugged me tightly, our wet bodies sliding over each other.

After we stepped out of the shower and toweled each other dry, we walked hand in hand back into our bedroom. She told me to get the bed ready while she finished her preparations. Getting the bed ready meant putting the rubber backed sheet on the bed to protect it from the silicon lubricant we use, and setting BFFL wand vibrator on the nightstand, plugged in and ready to use. I also placed my emergency key, still sealed in its small, yellow, coin envelope, in easy reach on the nightstand. I was still in my device and I knew her key was on her house key ring downstairs.

I plumped up a couple of pillows also protected with a rubber backed pillow cover and lay down on the bed. I was wearing only my device and a smile. When my wife returned, I saw she had put on black, nylon stockings and a pair of black thong panties I had given her. It had been custom made with a message in neat, white script "Show Me Your Devotion," on the front. As she climbed on top of me, I took in the scent of her perfume - one that I particularly like from Victoria's Secret. Both the scent and the visual feast had an immediate effect on me. Although my Watchful Mistress is very effective in discouraging erections, it was unable to stop this one. I could feel the bars in front pressing into the soft, sensitive flesh of my penis head as it had nowhere to go but to bulge through the restraining bars.

She lay down flat on top of me, her breasts pressed into my chest, her groin atop my steel enclosed dick. She began to kiss and lick my ear while she slowly ground her hips into me. The metal of the device may have been uncomfortable for her sensitive girl bits because she quickly shifted herself higher on me, so my device slipped down between her legs, my semi-erected member resting on the cheeks of her ass. She continued to grind herself into me, using my pubic bone to pressure her clit. She slid herself up and down, round and round, moans of pleasure escaping from her lips.

After a few minutes of this, she sat up, remaining astride me, her soft, nylon clad legs outside of mine. I rubbed those luscious legs with my hands, reaching down to massage her feet. She slid up further on my chest until her knees were up against my armpits.

"Read the Message," she said smiling broadly.

I didn't need to read it. I knew what her thong panties said - I bought it for her. I smiled back and then slid both arms under thighs, cupping her ass cheeks as I drew her to me. The first lick through the thin, panty material was from the bottom of her slit up, my tongue stopping and pressing into the hard nub of her clit underneath. She was already wet and I could feel the swell of her labia with my tongue. I felt her stiffen on top of me, her thighs clenching against my torso. I licked her again in the same way, again pausing at the top of her slit to press the nub with the flat of my tongue. I held it there very still, ratcheting up the tension and suspense. She squirmed and shifted, impatient for me to continue. I resumed licking her through the panty material but very lightly.

My wife grew impatient. She wanted it faster, with more direct contact on her pussy. She reached over and grabbed the headboard, pulling herself until she was fully astride my face. Holding the headboard with one hand, she stood up, slipped her panties off with the other, allowing them to fall in a small, aromatic pile on my chin. She was a magnificent sight towering above me, two columns of black nylon giving way strikingly to creamy white skin. I felt her step over my shoulders and press the backs of her ankles against the top of them as she eased herself down, still holding the headboard for support.

Her warm, wet slit rested against my chin. I needed no further instruction. Gripping her ass with my hands, I pulled her toward me and held her there as I began licking her the way she liked it, slow and steady, then building in speed until she couldn't stand it anymore. It didn't take long. As her excitement rose, I began paying more attention to her clit, circling it and gently sucking on it. Her hips began gyrating wildly as she pressed herself against my tongue. She was close to orgasm when she stopped moving. I felt her reach over to the nightstand. She picked up my sealed envelope with the key to my chastity device and wiggled it over my eyes.

"Do you want to come out and play?"
"Yes, Oh god Yes!" I replied, remembering that she had said this was going to be my night in her text message to me.
"Say please," she whispered, giggling.
"Please, oh please can I come out?"
"Well, maybe later," she said shaking her head "no" and waggling her finger in an mocking "no-no" gesture.

She put the envelope back down on the nightstand and picked up the wand vibrator. She rose up a bit on her knees until her pussy was just above my lips, clicked on the vibrator, ran it immediately up to the third of its four speeds and pressed it against her clit. The buzzing was incredibly loud and it was painful when it touched the underside of my nose. I extended my tongue until it reached the entrance of her tunnel. When I plunged in I felt her stiffen and heard her suck in air through her widely open mouth, her head tilted up. My tongue extended as far as it could before I retracted it to the entrance and plunged in again.

It was hard to keep my tongue in her as she bucked and gyrated, the vibrator sending waves of pleasure through her body that no tongue, however practiced, could duplicate. She lasted only a couple of minutes until she exploded, jerking suddenly upward and then whipping herself side to side, screaming "I'm cumming, I'm cumming! Oh God I'm cumming!" I gripped her ass tightly and did my best to keep my tongue plunging into her but I think by that time she was oblivious to anything I was doing. Her body had been taken over by the five thousand RPM's of the wand vibrator and whisked away to that ecstatically blissful place of the full body orgasm.

She collapsed limp on top of me, the vibrator falling from her hand beside my torso, its high pitched buzz still filling my ears. I reached down and felt for it, finding the switch and turning it off. It was suddenly very still and silent. My wife's warm, slick body was pressed into mine, only the sound of her rapid breathing disturbing the quiet. She squirmed and shuddered a little as little contractions of pleasure continued to course through her. It was several minutes before her breathing slowed and I felt her arm slide under my neck and hug me tightly.

It was with difficulty that my wife dragged herself up until she was sitting astride me again. Even with her damp hair hanging limply across half her face, she looked beautiful. She reached over to the nightstand and picked up the key envelope again.

"So, I suppose you want to come out and play don't you."
"Yes, yes I do Milady," I said smiling as I used my favorite pet name for her.
"You want to come out and you want me to let you orgasm, don't you?" she said smiling back at me.
"Yes, I want to very badly," I said, adding "pleeeeese" in my most hopeful voice, fairly certain that she would rip the envelope open and hand me the key.
"No, not tonight, no release for you tonight," she said slowly, enunciating every word slowly and finishing with a smile.
I was silent - kind of shock before I said "really?" hoping she was joking with me, teasing me one more time before she let me out.
"Really," she said, this time without smiling. "Be careful what you wish for," she added and then smiled as she tossed the envelope back on the nightstand.
She slid off of me and curled up beside me fitting nicely in the curve between my arm and torso, my hand stroking her hair as she slowly nodded off.

My body was reluctantly shifting gears, from extreme excitement and preparation for high energy sex and wild, orgasmic pleasure, to shut down - absolute stillness in body and mind. I continued to stroke her hair as she slept comfortably against me, her breathing slow and regular. I felt my dick shrink back away from the pressure of the bars - it too realizing that it wasn't coming out, that nothing more would be happening that night.

"Geez, she was getting good at this," I thought.

My feelings about what had happened were strangely mixed. There was a part of me - that part that emerges when I am sexually excited, that was disappointed. That part of me wanted to cum more than anything else in the world. The rest of me felt a deep sense of satisfaction mingled with a bit of pride. My wife had truly made the transition and could do this. She had denied me, giving me no reason or justification. She had denied me simply because she could, as a demonstration of her power over me.

The next morning while cuddled in bed I asked my wife if she had planned last night as an incredible tease from the very beginning. She said no, that the thought only occurred to her on the spur of the moment when she saw the sealed envelope and saw the look of excited expectation in my eyes. It was then that she had realized that she could give me what I truly craved - a Grand Tease; one of those tease and denials that is so powerful that it shakes the soul. I told her she had succeeded and thanked her again for playing the game with me and playing it so well. We hugged and cuddled for another half hour, her hand often wandering down to my groin to give her steel enclosed property a little squeeze and stroke from time to time. It was one of those quiet moments that will live forever in my memory.